A Rich Life: So much loss in life. But now...I'm kind of OK

I was just a kid when my Grandpa died. I knew I would miss him but what I “missed” in all of it was that he was my mom’s dad. She would miss him greatly. I missed all of that, but I was just a kid. But still, how did I not see that my Mom was without her Daddy? I missed so many things when I was a child. Most of them aren’t even a part of my memories. I don’t recall much from those years.

Just thinking more about Grandpa though, I guess part of the process for people was that he had cancer and had really suffered. I didn’t know much about that at the time of course. I hadn’t seen him at his worst. I really was pretty pathetic, wasn’t I? I missed even the simple thing of seeing someone I loved in pain. But I did love him. He was a good man, a good Grandpa. And then he was gone.

Then here is the craziest thing of all, well maybe not the craziest because that surely came later, but about a decade after Grandpa died my mom got sick and I saw her in the hospital. She was supposed to get better so I left and drove home for a job interview. I took the drive, went for the interview, for a job I didn’t get by the way, and then got a phone call. My Mom had died.

She wasn’t supposed to. She wasn’t that sick. She was supposed to get better. She was. They told me that. I wouldn’t have left her otherwise. I would have stayed at the hospital to be with her every moment that I could, to hold her hand and tell her that I loved her. I love you, Mommy.

Then the whirlwind of viewings and funerals and all those people who wanted to tell me how sorry they were. But then they went home to their complete families and happy lives and I was on my own, Mom was gone.

My life changed when she died. My family changed. The hurt and pain and loss inside stayed with me as I knew that this could happen again. I wasn’t going to let it, not again. I wasn’t going to let anyone else in that might leave me. She wasn’t supposed to do that, to leave me. She was supposed to always be with me. That’s what Moms are supposed to do, at least not for a long long time until she got very old. But she was gone.

I went on with my life doing the best I could. Actually, I had a pretty good life finally. I still missed her like crazy but little by little I thought I was over it, the pain, not her. But inside I knew that was a lie. I wasn’t over her death.

It was about a decade and a half after Mom’s death that I got a call that my sister had died in a car accident. Instant death on an icy road. She was way too young to be dead, even younger than my Mom had been. I was so mad. So very mad. I couldn’t believe it. How could this have happened to her? You would think that I would have learned but again it seemed like it was all about me. I was so upset but she had children and it must have been so much worse for them. 

I think when something like this happens there is no need to compare your pain with someone else. We all had pain. We all had losses. But they lost their Mom. I knew what that was like.

But here’s the crazy thing. Somewhere in the grieving for my sister, I realized that the grief for my Mom was less than it had been. Crazy, right? How could that be? I would have thought that the grief that I was still bearing for the loss of my Mom combined with what I experienced in my sister’s death would have doubled what I felt. But it didn’t.

I don’t know why. I have no idea. But when my sister died, and in the middle of my grief for her, I accepted my Mom’s death. Life was just going to be like that I guess. One pain doesn’t wipe out another but sometimes it exposes what has already diminished and you just didn’t realize it.

It wasn’t a good thing that my sister died. I’ll never figure that one out. I guess it’s not my business to figure it out. But I am so grateful to have known her for so many years.

And my Mom? Who could have guessed that the only way to ease her leaving me was to have another one I loved to leave me. To see it wasn’t all about me perhaps.

Now Mom’s with Grandpa and my sister is with them both. I’m still here and still missing them and you know what? I’m Ok. 

Well, kind of OK.

The Mystery of the Congressman and the Jazz Club. Part 2: The Culprit

The rock bounced off Ethan’s head as he was driving home on the dark road. Then he noticed that there was a hole in the windshield. That was the order of perception. First, the feeling of something bouncing off his head and then seeing that strangely, he was looking through a hole in his windshield. 

He wasn’t hurt by the rock through the windshield. It kind of glanced off of the steering wheel and grazed his head lightly and ended up on the floor in front of the passenger’s seat. Or maybe it hadn’t hit him. Maybe it was the opening up of a hole in the windshield that made him think when he saw the rock that it had hit him. But he wasn’t hurt. That was it. It must not have struck him. 

Just down the road he pulled off to the side of the four-lane highway and assessed the damages and thought about what had happened. He realized that he had gone under an overpass and someone must have thrown the rock down at his car. Randomly most likely. He couldn’t imagine at that moment that anyone was targeting him. All he knew was that he had to drive on. He had to get away from the culprit who had done this to him. 

Culprit. What a word and it sped into and out of his mind as quickly as the hole in the windshield had appeared. Some culprit had thrown a rock and now he had a damaged windshield and he had to get back on the road and away from this place. Maybe the culprit, he kept thinking that word over and over, would see him from the overpass, see that he had pulled over, and come down to finish the job. But why? Why would he have someone trying to kill him?

Then, slowly, he remembered why he had gotten out of town early on Saturday morning in the first place, why he had taken this spur-of-the-moment trip by himself. He had relaxed so much the last few days that on the drive home this dark night he was just listening to some jazz on the radio and feeling safe before the open windshield jolted him back to reality. The jazz continued to play and reminded him of his seeing his Congressman coming out of the jazz club a few weekends back, just before it was announced that his Congressman had died at home after being sick for a week. But he knew better.

And now as he realized why the rock might have been thrown through his windshield he realized that this was no random incident, not just someone drunk or letting off steam or showing off to his friends that he could hit a car with a rock. He was targeted. Ethan began to realize as he drove that if the rock would have come through the windshield and struck him directly in the face he might well have crashed the car and died. The news wouldn’t even have made much of a splash what with all the car accidents that happen from time to time.

The more he thought of what could have happened the shakier he felt as he drove. As quickly as he could he went to a friend’s house and knocked on the door even though it was late. She opened the door and said the kids were in bed and her husband wasn’t home yet from work but of course he could come inside. She could tell that something had happened to him as soon as she opened the door and took one look. 

Ethan closed the door behind him and locked it and looked out the front window. He walked around very nervously as he told her about the rock through his windshield. He didn’t tell her his speculations and what had happened about the Congressman but he told her about the accident itself and that he was worried that someone might be after him. She tried to calm him down and assure him that those kinds of things happened randomly from time to time and that it was all over now. He felt calmer hearing her say that but kept pacing and as he walked into the kitchen he noticed that the overhead light bulb was out. 

She knew where a bulb was so soon she was standing on a chair with a bulb and replacing the burned-out one when it slipped from her hand. It seemed to explode when it hit the floor and Ethan panicked. It was like a shot had been fired and any calmness that had come upon him was instantly gone and he felt under attack. He balled up on the couch in the living room and she pulled him into her arms and held him for a long time telling him that it was just a broken bulb and that he was OK. He was safe now she said over and over. 

Ethan rocked back and forth as he was held. He was like a child but also inside him he knew that he had reason to be afraid. Not from a light bulb or anyone in this home but from someone, some organization, that knew that he knew too much. A weekend away couldn’t make this all go away now. Two Congressmen were now dead and he might be the only one to know that there was a link between them and that the link was that if one more Congressman died and was replaced by a governor of the opposing party the majority in the House of Representatives would shift.

Would people really kill to take over power in Washington? It seemed as absurd to him now as it had when he had first thought of it. But now someone was after him too. Someone wanted to make his death look like an accident just like they made his Congressman’s death look like it was from some illness. If they would kill two Congressmen they would have no problem justifying killing him as well and eliminating any more questions. So many thoughts ran through his mind as she held him to calm him down. He started to relax in her arms.

Then he heard the garage door go up, a car driving in, and the garage door go back down. His friend let go of the hug as she slid to the other end of the couch. Just then Ethan’s phone rang. It was the voice of the man who had warned him before. He said to get out of the house. Now. 

Ethan told his friend he needed to take this call in private as he got up and went out the back door, waving at her husband as he walked in from the garage. His friend smiled and then his expression changed as he saw the look on Ethan’s face as he saw who walked in behind him. It was the man from the jazz club. The one who without a doubt in Ethan’s mind knew the real cause of death of the Congressman.

Ethan ran around the house to his car and jumped in. Then he raced away, looking out through the hole in the windshield. He didn’t know for sure but it definitely was a good possibility that the jazz club man was behind a lot of what was happening. But why was he there at his friend’s house that night? Was the long hug a set up to give her husband plenty of time to get home that night? Ethan didn’t think so. It didn’t feel staged to him. He felt comforted by a caring friend. Nothing out of the ordinary in that.

But regardless of why the jazz club man showed up right then, Ethan thought of one real possibility. That man might well be the one who threw the rock through his windshield and was looking to finish the job. He definitely could be the culprit.

A wave is a beginning

She waved and I had to stop and think why as I waved back. Then he waved and I waved at him as well as I kept walking down the street. Strangers. They were strangers. Or were they?

I felt a smile grow across my face as I realized that I had walked these streets and waved at people as they drove or walked past me for many months. And here I was now wondering why someone else had waved at me, first. They were most likely people that I had been waving at and now they were so used to seeing me wave that they waved before I did. It was kind of nice actually.

Just a little thing, waving at people. But in a world that sometimes separates us by our words, a simple action like a wave can push that all aside, at least for a moment. When I wave at someone it doesn’t matter to me what they think about pandemics, or elections, or even religions, or lifestyles, or nationalities, or races. None of that matters when I just look up and smile and wave at someone. A smile and a wave and we are just two people who aren’t alone for a moment. Two people who have cared enough, even if it is just a little bit, to communicate with one other person that we see them. They are real. They are right there. They are an acquaintance even if just for a moment.

But then when weeks go on and months and perhaps years the acquaintance grows to a friendly word if we walk by each other on the street and maybe a hello if we pass in the aisle of a store. Small things really but important things, valuable actions which show that we value the other person and they value us. 

There is a lot of meanness in the world sometimes. It can come from me. It can come from you. It can come from a stranger. But whoever it comes from it is there because we have decided to devalue the other person and think that they don’t matter as much as my own opinion matters. We decide that our beliefs are right and our way of handling life is the only right way and that if someone disagrees with us that they aren’t worthy of our respect.

Of course, we allow ourselves to change, to get new information, to see that our new way of thinking is now the right way but when we don’t allow that same possibility to someone else we cut off something very important. We cut off civility and we cut ourselves off from people who may think differently than we do but are still people, people with hopes and dreams and hurts and problems. Some of these people were friends or at least acquaintances until we saw them attack our beliefs or actions and we do the same to them. Sometimes we do that to stand up for a person that we don’t even know or a belief that we may change with new information. It’s sad really that I might do that. That you might do that.

And so I wave. I take walks and I wave at those I pass as they walk and I wave at cars as they pass me by even when I can’t see the face of the driver clearly. But I still wave. The world needs friendly contacts. People need to see a friendly face. They may be on the way to a job that they wish they didn’t have to go to and they have customers who may be rude to them but they can’t be rude back because they have to be friendly in their position, in their job.

The person I smile and wave at might be walking their dog because they just had to get out of the house because of a difficult relationship with a person there or because if they don’t get outside from an empty house they feel like they will explode with sadness. The person driving by doesn’t expect a stranger to be friendly to them but when it happens it can be startling the first time but when it happens another day it becomes a chance to wave back. 

Then comes the day that the other person waves first because they know I am going to and they are glad. It’s hard to call that a friendship. It’s not much of an acquaintanceship either. But it’s something. 

Maybe it’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Or maybe, and this is OK too, it’s just the beginning of a beautiful day.

Lilac Love

By the time I got to work that Monday, I realized that I was lost. Sounds funny to say I know but really, I was lost. Not that I didn’t know the way to my job. Of course, I knew that. I was lost from meeting, even for the briefest of moments, the new waitress at the diner that I always stop at on the way to work for a quick breakfast. I pretty much wolf my food down and while I was doing that I heard a laugh from behind me. I looked up and saw her smiling and telling me to slow down that I might choke on it. 

She must have just walked in and started her shift because I had never seen her working here before today. She wasn’t my regular waitress but after getting my breakfast placed in front of me my regular one said she had been working since midnight and had to leave now and someone else would help me if I needed anything else, figuring that I wouldn’t because she knew I always gulped and ran.

Looking up I saw her, the new one. She was laughing at me but I could tell it was just good-natured and as she bent down to pour me another cup of coffee I could smell the lilac perfume that she was wearing. I breathed her in a second time and said how great the smell was and she asked if I meant the coffee but I said no that I meant her and she smiled again and thanked me and said she was glad that I thought she smelled better than the coffee. I said she smelled amazing much better than any coffee I had ever smelled. She said Lilac Love and I said yes. She blushed and said that was the name of the perfume and then added that she would be back to check on me and then quickly turned to go back for an order that was just ready now.

I slowed down eating and just sipped my coffee slowly. I was in no hurry now to be anywhere other than here. I watched her go from customer to customer and be friendly with all of them but see her look over at me at times and smile and then look back at the people that she was serving.

I glanced at my watch and realized I was barely going to make it to work on time even if I pretty much ran out of here now so I waved her over and thanked her for the excellent service she had given me. She said she was happy to serve me and I said that I was happy to be served and then we both looked away and then back and laughed. I told her that I had to hurry to work now but planned to come back for dinner here after work and wondered if she would still be working then. She said she would be and said that she hoped I would get back before her shift ended at 6. I told her I’d see her by then and maybe we could talk more and she said she would like that. I looked at her and said Lilac Love. She said yes.

I hurried out of there after leaving a very big tip and now I was at work just barely before my first appointment of the day. It was a big client for the company but my mind was somewhere else and I was really glad that my co-worker knew the presentation as much as I did. He covered for me big time and the client seemed very happy with our proposal and said they would let us know soon but that we should expect a positive response.

As soon as they left my co-worker Bill asked me where my mind was today. I told him that I had just met the most wonderful woman I had ever imagined. He just laughed and said that she must be pretty great because I had a big imagination. Now I grinned and said she was pretty and great and I wasn’t imagining it. Then I got back to work for the rest of the day because I had so much to do with other clients as well.

It was 5:45 when I was wrapping up and I realized that I had to leave immediately if I had any chance of getting to the diner before her shift ended. I rushed out and got to the diner and opened the front door right at 6:00 and looked around for her and didn’t see her. I sank into a booth and was so disappointed and yelled at myself in my head about working so long and getting here late. What kind of an impression would that make if I didn’t show up when I said I would? 

Then I heard a voice behind me say if I was going to be this late then I better just get up and get out of this place. I looked up and saw the smile on her face as she continued and said let’s go somewhere else because she needed a change of scenery. Without a word I put a $20 bill on the table and left with her. She said hey, I didn’t leave that big a tip for her that morning and I smiled and said I would make up for that in the days ahead for sure.

She had changed out of her uniform and now had on a cute little purple dress and purple sneakers. It all went well with her Lilac Love perfume that I breathed in deeply as we walked through the doorway together.

As we walked she told me that her name was Mindy and that she had just moved to town last week and started her job this morning. I told her that I was Gabe and had lived around here all of my life, so far. She laughed and said then I would be the perfect tour guide and I said it would be my pleasure.

I wanted to stop and look her in the eyes and kiss her right then. I wanted to tell her that I would always be her tour guide wherever she wanted to go. So many more thoughts were running through my mind as we walked but I didn’t stop, didn’t kiss her, just took her hand without looking and felt the electricity of touching her and realizing that she let me take her hand. 

She asked where I was taking her and I replied did it matter and she said no she trusted me. After all, I was her tour guide now. She would go anywhere I took her.

I took her to a place I had eaten at a lot of times that had the best tacos in town and she grinned as we went inside and said that she loved tacos and that now she was really hooked on her tour guide. We sat and ate tacos and talked for hours until the place got ready to close and then we went outside and she got in a cab that would take her home. That was her choice. I wanted to go with her but she said no a cab was fine and besides she better get right to bed because she worked early the next morning. I told her I would see her for breakfast and she jumped in the cab and waved as the driver pulled away.

I walked home from there and it was after midnight when I got to my place. I was still wired and didn’t get to sleep for several more hours just thinking of her and smelling her perfume that still lingered on me. Lilac Love. Yes.

I woke up late and knew I didn’t have much time for breakfast before my first appointment of the day at work but I got to the diner and had just a few minutes to eat. I sat in my usual booth and my usual waitress came over and poured me a cup of coffee and asked if I wanted my usual. I told her I did and asked if the new waitress, Mindy, was in yet. She looked at me kind of strangely and said that Mindy was supposed to be in an hour ago but hadn’t shown up. Then about half an hour ago the manager said that Mindy had quit and wouldn’t be in anymore.

She could tell that I was upset and she told me that everybody there had liked Mindy when she worked the day before and were very surprised that she would just up and quit after just one day and without any notice. I said yeah I was surprised too and that I had to leave and get to work for an early appointment. I didn’t have time for my breakfast but I gave her the money for it anyway along with a big tip and told her to give my food to someone who came in next and tell them it was a gift.

She looked at me funny but then smiled and said OK and I ran out the door and to my job, barely getting there before my first appointment. I tried to put Mindy out of my head for now at least because I had to get this appointment right or I would never get a promotion at this place. 

When I got back to my office after my appointment in the meeting room there were some flowers on my desk. They were lilacs. No signature on the card. It just read Lilac Love. I breathed them in deeply and said yes.

I spent the next month trying to find Mindy. I asked the diner for her address and even though they couldn’t give it to me for privacy reasons my regular waitress told me what she knew. I checked the apartment and the manager told me that the tenant had only been there a week, had paid for the month and paid a security deposit, and had just disappeared. The manager said that Mindy had left a note apologizing for leaving without notice but hoped that they would forgive her. She left a check for rent for the next two months and hoped they would be able to rent it out by then and not lose any money because of her leaving so soon.

Nobody else that I found knew much about her or where she had come from or where she might have gone. It seemed like a dead end. I tried to put her out of my mind. After all, I had only known her one day. But that one day was the best day I had ever experienced in my life. Still, I had to keep working hard at my job even while I did all I could think of to find her. Where could she have gone? Why did she leave without any word at all except for sending me the lilacs? I mean, yes, it was a nice touch but I wanted more of an explanation. She didn’t really owe me that after such a short time but I wanted it anyway.

It was about a year later that I was walking through the mall and walked past a little shop that sold cards and perfume. I smelled lilacs and it brought everything back. Lilac Love. 

Then it hit me. Lilac Love. Maybe she was connected somehow with that perfume. So I walked into the shop and asked if they sold a perfume that smelled like lilac. The sales clerk said yes they did. She said that they had one that had just come out in the last few months but it was very popular now already. I asked if I could see it and smell it. She said of course and got it and brought it to me. She opened the bottle and I knew that was it. That was what Mindy had been wearing. I had to have it. As the sales clerk brought the packaging out to wrap it up for me I stopped her. I picked up the packaging and there it was. Lilac Love by Mindy. There was an address on the box and I paid for it all quickly and took it out of the store and was practically running through the mall. I got outside and looked at the address and saw that it was a thousand miles away but I didn’t care. I got in my car and started driving and called my office along the way and said that I had an emergency and that Bill could handle anything for me while I was gone.

I drove and drove not stopping for much at all until I was so tired that I had to pull over in a parking lot and sleep a few hours. Then I started driving again until I finally got to the address. I parked and ran to the door but no one answered. It was closed. I was so dejected and so tired and so hungry so I walked down the street and into a diner where I ordered some coffee and some food.

The waitress brought me my food and as she walked away I started shoveling it in. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was and this tasted good and I ate very fast. Then in a haze, I heard someone behind me telling me to slow down that I might choke on it. I looked up and saw her. It was Mindy in her cute little purple dress and purple sneakers. 

She sat down across from me and reached out and took my hands. I pulled her hands gently to my lips and kissed them. As I did I smelled lilac. You smell great as always I told her. Thanks, she said. I have so much to tell you. I’m hoping you can forgive me. Things happened so fast. Still, I was hoping you would find me. I trusted that you were a good tour guide. My tour guide. That you wouldn’t lose me.

I told her that I was the one who was lost right from the start. That I was lost in her from the moment I saw her and then I was lost when she went away. But now, here I was and here she was. She could tell me her story and I very much wanted to hear it. But what I wanted most was Lilac Love. She smiled and just said yes.