Just Let Me Grieve

So many deaths. Again. Children this time and their teachers. Adults recently just shopping. Worshippers in church killed. Hatred expressed. Life gone. Hopes dashed. Futures snuffed out.

Black friends teaching their sons and daughters how to talk to people so they can come home that night, and the next, and not be murdered. It's smart to teach them I know because of the world around us...but it brings tears to my eyes that it has to be done to save their children's lives. I never had to tell my children those instructions just so they might come home.

Latino parents sending their children to school, only a few days of school left before summer vacation. Summer! Yes, as any child is happy for a break. Summer break. And now there is no summer break for them. There is death. Death. Heartache. The death of hope. The teachers murdered too who were spending their lives to make a difference in their community and for these children and their families.

People of various faiths worshipping in a variety of places that used to be safe places but now violence enters so often. Death.

Rambling I know. But the violence just goes on and on. I am sad. Let me just be sad a while. I don't want to just turn to the next story, like how quickly war has left the front and center of our attention, except for those in Ukraine who still face death every day.

And don't tell me about how many people die or are murdered in other ways and we should care about them more. Don't tell me that...right now. I know you are right. I care about them too. But don't tell me that right now. Let me grieve for this classroom. Let me grieve for this grocery store. Let me grieve for this church and these faith communities.

We all have our own problems, I get that. I do too. But just let me grieve for someone else this time.

Sorrow. Pain. Sadness. When will it end? Stop it people.

I know it will go on, I know that. But let me never stop crying out for it to stop. Wishing for it to end. Praying for it to just stop.

Trust

A dozen years ago I finished reading "Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference?" by Philip Yancey. I wrote these thoughts then and as I came across them now I find that they still resonate within me.

Near the end of the book, he quotes Helmut Thielicke speaking to his German congregation near the end of World War 2.

"One day, perhaps, when we look back from God's throne on the last day we shall say with amazement and surprise, 'If I had ever dreamed when I stood at the graves of my loved ones and everything seemed to be ended; if I had ever dreamed when I saw the specter of atomic war creeping upon us, if I had ever dreamed when I faced the meaningless fate of an endless imprisonment or a malignant disease; if I had ever dreamed that God was only carrying out his design and plan through all these woes, that in the midst of my cares and troubles and despair his harvest was ripening, and that everything was pressing on toward his last kingly day--if I had known this I would have been more calm and confident; yes, then I would have been more cheerful and far more tranquil and composed.'"

Now back to my thoughts. God has a plan and I don't see it all. But I want to trust...to trust God more. We don't need to be in the middle of a World War to experience sadness, weakness, fear, and doubt. Every day we wonder why all of this is happening around us and in us and the ones we care about. Still, God has everything under control. I choose to believe that. Someday I will see God face to face but now I see dim reflections. But the reflection shows me Jesus more and more. I will follow the light I have and know that the light is Jesus.

A Rich Life: What has made my faith stronger?

I think my faith has become stronger as I live through the best and worst moments of life. The best moments have made me stronger as I saw God at work and how he worked in the situations for my good. What seemed like the worst moments taught me to hold on to God tightly which made my faith stronger.

The best moments of my life include discovering and marrying my wonderful wife Diane for sure. Only God could have brought such different people together and kept us together for so many years. Trusting in God through this has definitely made my faith stronger. I am not always easy to live with and seeing Diane not give up on me is truly a gift from God. In marriage, I got to see a different aspect of God that I had not seen before. Some would call it the “female” part that can only be seen in a close relationship with a woman. Diane is so godly and so Christ-like and seeing it helps me discover God in new ways. My faith continues to be enriched by her daily life, her witness to me, of what a good mother truly is, of what our heavenly Parent fully is with all of the characteristics of One who is father and mother to us all. I knew God as Father before I met Diane, even though I am growing in that knowledge as well, but being with her lets me see how God cares for us as a hen cares for her chicks. Diane is such a good Momma and that shows me that side of God.

Other best moments of my life include the births and lives of my delightful daughters. Watching them be born and then grow as infants, children, teens, and into womanhood has been such a wonder to me. My faith has grown stronger trying to teach them, love them, and model for them a good father. They both have made the job easy because of their respect and love for me. I hold onto God tightly as I want God to be at the center of their lives as well yet know it is a decision and lifestyle that only they can choose for themselves. I pray for them daily and am so glad for the times we are together and the memories we have made over the years and continue to make. They strengthen my faith as I hold onto God and let them fly on their own yet let them know that I am here for them always.

Then there are the worst moments in life. The times that I have failed God and felt so terrible that I did. The times that I have hurt the ones I love and the times that I have been hurt so badly by others. In these times my faith has been strengthened as I was driven closer to God because there was nowhere else to go. 

In my times of failure, I have to admit that I didn’t feel right away that my faith got stronger. Usually, I felt like I was fighting through my failure and then realizing that I needed to trust God more. God was there for me but I was trying to deal with things on my own. Then when I wised up I asked God to forgive me for not calling on him for help right away and I told him that I needed him to see me through whatever it was. All of that took a while. There was no instant fix. Often I have been a slow learner. I still am but I want God more than anything and I’m holding on to him for dear life. Fortunately, God is and has been holding on to me as well. I am so grateful that he didn’t give up on me in my times of failure or in the times that I acted like I was sailing high on my own. All of this has made my faith stronger. I am definitely a work in progress.